Blogger Blitz – Round 1: Retail Rumble!

Way back in 2017 (I can barely remember yesterday), the awesome website Adventure Rules hosted an amazing community event called Blogger Blitz. Basically, you chose your favourite character (I, of course, went with my shero Lightning Farron) to go head-to-head against another blogger in a bracket style elimination tournament, complete with a panel of judges. The crazy scenarios were intense, the judgey little punks were tough, Ian’s results posts were masterpieces, and oh man, I was absolutely terrified when I entered it (and every time I had to write a post).

By some miracle, Lightning and I won the whole thing (I didn’t bribe the judges… I swear). It was the greatest feeling ever when I finally realized other people may have actually been entertained by my writing. And, wow! That entire event was the most fun I’ve ever had blogging. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s posts for the competition, in addition to learning so much from having my own work professionally judged by awesome folks. It was the first time I truly felt how special the WordPress blogging community was.

Anyway, when I deleted my old blog my entries were wiped off the internet. I’m actually really proud of those posts so I thought I’d re-post them on my new site! I do believe Blogger Blitz 2 is happening very soon, so this will be a nice throwback for anyone interested 😉

The first challenge Lightning and I faced was called Retail Rumble. In just 500 words, I had to write a sales pitch for an item of Lightning’s that could be mass produced and would sell like hot cakes. I decided to go with my shero’s signature gunblade weapon (I’ve always wanted one of those!!). In a bit of a controversial move, I also decided to passively vent about some of the stupid “sexy” outfits in Lightning Returns by using one of them as a marketing tactic. Yup. The judges were NOT impressed with that… 😅 Sex sells is a sad fact of life, though. Oh and I was passively cranky about Square Enix using my shero in real life advertising campaigns, too… sigh.

Blogger Blitz Round 1 2
Friends don’t let friends wear the Moogle Queen Garb! At least Fang seems to share my concerns with some of my shero’s fashion choices in Lightning Returns.

My opponent for that round was NekoJonez writing for Indiana Jones (yes, just typing Indiana Jones triggered the theme song to play in my head). Damn! It was one heck of a retail battle, let me tell you (check out NekoJonez’s awesome post here). This was the first time I met Mr. Jonez and I’m happy to consider him a good blogging buddy because of that event. We were also the first match of the entire competition. That was A LOT of pressure on both of us, trust me.

Blogger Blitz Round 1 3
Indiana Jones is certainly the most badass professor ever! *whistles theme song*

So here it is! The post I wrote for Blogger Blitz 2017 Round 1. Get ready to relive the reeettttaaaiiilll!!! (Sorry)

“You entered me in a WHAT!?” Yeah, I failed to consider the first hurdle – convincing my cranky shero to willingly participate. “And you actually think I’m going sell this??”

“Come on, Lightning. Please?” I implored. She wouldn’t punch me, her biggest fangirl, would she? She wouldn’t. Yep, she totally would. Alas, I probably should’ve picked Aloy instead.

“Fine. I swear, you’re more needy than Hope and Serah combined.” She growled as she shoved me aside. She halted in front of a boring door that led to a typical corporate boardroom.

“Yay! Besides, your masters have shilled you out before… You’re definitely good at pushing products!” I encouraged while I pulled out the key to my brand-new Nissan, from my posh Louis Vuitton handbag.

“Don’t remind me.” She angrily uttered as she folded her toned arms tightly into her chest.

“Hey, at least this time it’s your own product!” Her response to my inspiring words – a silent glare of death. “Oh, and I love your Guardian Corps outfit, but, uh, unfortunately…”

“Yeah, I know… sex sells.” She instantly shifted into the Miqo’te Dress Garb from Lightning Returns. We both let out a dejected sigh. “Alright, let’s hurry up and lose this thing.”

“That’s the spirit, girl! I must say, you look, um…”


“Yup, that’s the word! Have fun… and try not to punch anyone.” She grunted in amusement before kicking down the boardroom door, and I took my proper role as narrator for this crazy sales pitch story. Her methods can be considered questionable, but once Lightning Farron puts her heart into something, not even fate itself can stop her.

The chaotic scene waiting inside the room stunned Lightning, for a brief second. Snakes? Of course, it was snakes. Indiana Jones himself had been pitching his signature bullwhip for the marketing directors of the world’s greatest weapon’s development company. Sure, Indy’s a great guy, but he tends to blunder, a lot. For whatever reason, an army of slithering serpents seemed to have a vendetta against him, and they decided to ambush him after he botched the presentation, invading the room through the AC duct. Indy and the directors were all cowering on the boardroom table, his whip was useless.

Lightning scoffed at the hissing tide approaching her, and she made quick work of entire menace with her Gunblade, plus her Army of One ability, once her ATB gauge was full. It was going to take much more than a bunch of pathetic snakes to stop a woman as strong as Lightning. When the easy battle was won, the directors were all grateful for the rescue, impressed by seeing the power of her mighty Gunblade in action, and a little, um, distracted by my shero’s uncharacteristically risqué appearance. Actions speak much louder than words, and directors were instantly sold on the idea of mass-producing and selling the weapon to global fighting forces. Lightning reluctantly used her experience as an advertising pawn, I mean spokesmodel, to help boost the marketing campaign.

It was an agonizing several day wait before the results were announced (that wait was always the hardest part of the event). When the scary day finally came, I was pleasantly shocked to see how freaking fantastic Ian’s results posts were (complete with amusing drawings and everything). Thanks again to NekoJonez for being a fierce and friendly rival during Round 1! Definitely check out the superb content on his website.

Next I’ll be reliving my semifinal post so stay tuned for that! There were some scores to settle in that round…

Thanks for reading!

If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!

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"Lightning" Ellen

My name is Ellen, and I've been babbling on the interwebz about video games for over 15 years. Video games themselves have been a large part of my life since 5-year-old me first encountered a SNES in a children's hospital. Fun times... Video game escapism is still the #1 coping mechanism for adult me these days.

11 thoughts on “Blogger Blitz – Round 1: Retail Rumble!”

  1. Ah, memories! The timing of you reposting these just before the second competition is pretty great. Re-reading the old posts and seeing your side of it through your memory is getting me hyped for it all over again!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. *ahem* I definitely shouldn’t have looked up the Miqo’te Dress Garb on my work PC…
    This is awesome, thanks for re-posting. The first Blogger Blitz was just before I started blogging so it’s great to see what went on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And the Miqo’te Dress Garb isn’t even the most NSFW-est outfit poor Lightning has to wear in Lightning Returns 😦 Seriously Square Enix…. the mighty Savior of Souls wouldn’t wear any of that, haha.

      I’m glad you liked the re-post! The great Pix might be interested in the next one that’s scheduled for Thursday…. /mysterious

      Liked by 1 person

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