Blogger Blitz – Grand Finale

And here we are at the final part of my trip down Blogger Blitz 2017 by Adventure Rules memory lane! The whole event was quite the emotional writing journey for me but this last match literally forced Lightning and I to face the feelz head-on. Twas the most INTENSE scenario ever, too. I can’t even begin to try and re-explain it all so I shall quote the host’s description of the fun:

“You have been invited by the steward of the Mushroom Kingdom to assist them with a royal problem. The infant princess, Baby Peach, has begun to develop strange abilities based on her emotions. She literally cries rivers, when she’s angry she bursts into flame, her happiness causes her to float in the air and produce bursts of wind – the only emotional state in which the castle and its staff are safe from her is when she is calm. A doctor is preparing a cure but a courier has to make an overnight trip to pick it up. So the steward needs someone to protect Peach’s Castle from her emotion powers until the cure is delivered.
‘Why not just take her out of the castle?’ you might ask. As fate would have it, there’s an issue with the castle’s power source, the Power Stars. They’ve malfunctioned and now the only thing keeping them running is Peach’s presence in the castle. If she leaves, the Stars will fail and be scattered across the kingdom.
‘We tried having the castle wizard place a spell on her to make her sleep through the night,’ the steward explains, ‘but she is immune to any magic that influences her emotional state.’ There’s another problem too – taking advantage of the castle’s current vulnerability, the evil wizard Kamek has summoned six warriors from other worlds to attack the Mushroom Kingdom. You might recognize them as the defeated competitors from the Blogger Blitz challenge. These warriors, under Kamek’s control, will stop at nothing to kidnap Peach and leave the castle in ruins.”

Whoa!! Right??

My opponent for the final match was the amazing super-chef Teri Mae of Sheikah Plate writing for Link the legendary hero of the Legend of Zelda series. I was pretty sure this was Game Over for ol’ cranky Lightning and I. Link has so many tools and companions at his disposal (that Teri masterfully wielded in her entry)… Lightning just couldn’t compete with all that, and I’m extra hard on myself, so I took the liberty of adding yet another challenge. In my story, Lightning had none of her L’Cie or demigoddess-like powers, and she couldn’t summon Odin. It was just her determination and her gunblade against the world. Looking back, it seems my counter to everything was using nothing. Huh.

Blogger Blitz Final 1
I was seriously expecting Link to mop me up. And damn, this screenshot it making me want to give Breath of the Wild another try soon!

Writing a Blogger Blitz post always made me more emotional than Baby Peach. At the time, I decided to just go crazy writing my story, with no intention of actually winning, and to do my best to give a nod to everyone who participated. During the entire competition, I had so much fun reading everyone’s entries, laughing at Ian’s epic drawings in the results posts, and trying to improve my writing skillz through my own posts. I was really sad to see everything come to an end… sigh.

Seriously, thank you so much to everyone who involved with this event! It was an honor to participate and I appreciate everyone reading my entries (sorry I kinda melted down and deleted them with my old blog). As far as I’m concerned, everyone who was a part of this wonderful community event is a winner. Before my entry, I’d like to give a huge shout-out to all the great blogger people involved.


NekoJonez and Indiana Jones
Kim of Later Levels and Guybrush Threepwood
Hundstrasse and Claire Redfield
Luna of GamersUnitedGG and the Joker
Teri Mae of Sheikah Plate and Link
the Well-Red Mage and Mega Man
Lodestar Valor and Pokemon Ranger

Expert Judgey Little Punks:

Athena of AmbiGaming
James of QTX
Geddy of Nostalgia Trigger
Chris of OverThinker Y

And of course the gracious host and awesome dude who created the whole thing – Ian of Adventure Rules!

Now buckle up, internet! It’s time to relive that 1200-word wild trip through my wicked imagination. If nothing else, let my story be a warning to never let Square Enix get the rights to Batman, Mega Man, Zelda, Resident Evil, Monkey Island, Indiana Jones, Mario, and Pokémon.

Trigger Warning: Things may get a little, uh, dark humour-ly gruesome near the end… a Resident Evil character is involved, after all.


Blogger Blitz Final 2
Dear Lightning,

Please come to the castle. I’ve baked a cake for you.

Yours Truly,
Princess Toadstool (Peach!)

Um, a cake… seriously? I crumple the note in disgust, letting out an annoyed sigh. Whatever awaits me behind these castle doors, it obviously has nothing to do with tasty baked goods. The demented God of All-Games hasn’t finished with me yet, dropping me and Link in this world for one final test – the climax of a multidimensional competition I wanted nothing to do with. To top it off, Odin was banished and I’ve been stripped of my powers… I’m left with just my gunblade and a vague warning about Kamek’s Fallen Six. I’m from a JRPG so I know – getting the plot is half the battle. Whatever’s happening, at least it all ends here. I shove the door open and charge toward the throne room. Might as well get this over with.

“Hey! Listen! Hello?!” I grind to a halt when a squeaky voice grates on my last nerve.

Near the throne room door, I see Link – the courageous hero – crumpled on the floor in defeat. His fairy pest – Navi, I think – hovering around him with concern. Looks like he’s got… food poisoning? Huh, I’m sure there’s some irony in that… I know he’s a good cook, but it seems some Dubious Food got to him. I feel for the guy, but looks like I’m on my own for this.

In the darkened throne room, Princess Peach greets me holding the promised cake – though one slice is missing. Something’s not right here… her eyes are just tiny beads. On instinct, I step back and draw my blade. Crazed laughter follows as Peach morphs into a tiny purple glob; it calls itself ‘Ditto‘…?

“Lightning! Doll, glad you made it… what?? Too good for cake, darlin’? Your elf pal liked my cake…” An insane clown’s ramblings continue while I quickly survey the now lit room. Seems I’m dealing with two of The Fallen Six – The Joker… and Pokémon Ranger decides to show up, finally.

I piece together my situation from Joker’s babbling. It seems a Paradox has struck this castle. The real Peach has been reverted to baby form, and this realm’s evil wizard – Kamek – has corrupted the competition’s six defeated warriors. They want to kidnap Peach, steal the castle’s Power Stars… then they can leave it in ruins. These two were meant to take Link and I out, while the rest do the job.

“Aw… no love story, Lighty?” The grinning clown leans closer to me, and I feel rage boiling as his next words spill. “Y’know, I’m great at getting people hitched!! I could see ya with that Cloud guy or… Snow?”

Joker immediately drops to the floor, out cold with a twisted nose. I have a mean right hook and I don’t want love. The Ranger flees with his purple Poke-buddy – guess he doesn’t want to dance with me now.

I bolt for the room where Peach and her servants are hiding. My instincts tell me to duck and a soccer ball flies over my head, at a calculated velocity that doesn’t matter. I turn to face Mega Man… robots really hold grudges.

Sure, send the invincible robot to grab the kid… how’s a hated mortal like me suppose to counter that? My potent rage bubbles up but I steel my mind, remembering everything has a weakness – there are no other robots here to give him super abilities. I draw my gunblade and a firefight starts. My honed battle instincts crush his mechanical calculations. Heart beats cold logic, once again.

No time to waste! I charge inside Peach’s room… there’s some bad Vibes in here. The room is being flooded by a river of her tears while she wails uncontrollably. The mushroom-head in charge looks singed from a burst of her anger as he explains the problem. Basically, the kid’s emotions are out of control and capable of mass castle destruction. She’s beyond the reach of magic, but a doctor is coming with a cure. I need to calm her down until he arrives… I hate dealing with feelings.

Reluctantly, I approach the sobbing kid, unsure of what to do. She’s… adorable. On instinct, I gently pick her up, cradle her in my arms, and sternly whisper: “Control your emotions.” She gawks up at me and relaxes. If I put her down, the river resumes. Wouldn’t be the first needy kid I’ve had to babysit. Oh look, she’s playing with a strand of my hair… aw… I will protect her!!

I realize the Power Star chamber is vulnerable and three of The Fallen Six remain. I’ve got no choice and charge down the hall – kid in one arm, Gunblade in my other hand.

Near the entrance, Guybrush Threepwood blocks my way. He’s wildly waving a sword while singing an epic sea shanty, for some reason. Wait… did he just say I fight like a cow? Before I attack, Peach floats in the air, amused by his song. She spawns a mini tornado that blows Guy out a nearby window. Whatever works, I guess.

Peach calms in my arms again as I enter the chamber. Inside, I catch Indiana Jones trying to raid the Power Star altar. He’s indecisive, thinking it’s a trap, and doesn’t notice me. I use this to my advantage and sneak up behind him, bashing him over the head with my Gunblade’s hilt. Guess it didn’t have to be snakes this time. With the Power Star chamber secured, I can relax for a bit. I gently rock the kid in my arms for a few precious minutes.

“STARS!!” A twisted howl interrupts the maternal moment.

I cover the kid’s eyes as what’s left of Claire Redfield smashes through the doorway, dragging Ganondorf’s severed arm behind her like a toy. Her methods were questionable, but she clearly got the job done – all it cost was her humanity. After brutalizing the King of Evil, she was picked up by the Umbrella Corporation… seems she graduated from their Nemesis program.

“STARS!!” I hear the creature constantly howling. She must be craving the castle’s power source.

Have to act fast. I put the kid down safely behind the altar, tell her to stay strong, and cut off a lock of my hair. She understands and calmly stays put, while I jump out to fight. The mutated bioweapon hits hard, but she’s no different than a Cie’th – shoot ‘em enough times and they die. I don’t need powers… I’m still the Commando in an army of one. Soon, the bloodied creature collapses motionless to the floor, ravaged by slashes and bullet holes.

A crowd of mushroom-heads and the doctor rush in. They’re giving Peach the cure, but the creature stirs. In her dying breath, she launches a volley of spikes at the kid. No!! I won’t let this happen!

I react faster than a bolt of lightning, throwing myself in the way. The spikes cut into me instead. I fall to my knees, my strength drains away… I’m… where am I?

No one needs me… no more pain… no sorrow… just darkness invading a failing light…


For dramatic effect, I’ll leave this post at that. Good luck to everyone participating in future Blogger Blitz matches, eh!

Thanks for reading!

If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!

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"Lightning" Ellen

My name is Ellen, and I've been babbling on the interwebz about video games for over 15 years. Video games themselves have been a large part of my life since 5-year-old me first encountered a SNES in a children's hospital. Fun times... Video game escapism is still the #1 coping mechanism for adult me these days.

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