Welcome to my monthly progress post that happens on the 13th, which marks the start of a new fiscal month here on Livid Lightning. Get it? XIII is my favourite number… because I like Final Fantasy XIII a lot? Jeez… tough crowd.
And a new chapter of my blogging life begins! Wait…
What?? Nothing happened, I swear. My domain has always ended in .blog… and I so didn’t delete my old WordPress and social media accounts… honest. Sigh. I did. I’ll vent about what happened in more detail in my Life Things section below, but this meme just about sums up what caused my latest self-destruct sequence.
I pressed the left button on a very close friend who seemed done with me, backpedaled like a sledgehammer to the right button, pressed the left button again in defeat, and now I don’t know what the meaning of life is anymore. Ahem.
Including intense soul-crushing personal relationship pain, here’s how Fiscal Month October 2019 went! Why?? *sobs uncontrollably* …sniffs. I’m good. It’ll all be alright. Oh, and Happy Canadian Thanksgiving weekend! I’m visiting my family and eating turkey. Great coping mechanisms. Gobble, gobble, eh…
I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. Got that, future me? One more time for good measure: I will not delete my blog again. Jeez. DO NOT let emotions overwhelm you and trigger self-destructive behaviours, dammit! I’m running out of domain names over here, eh.
Now that’s out of the way, I’ve spent a good 12+ hours this weekend restoring my website under this new domain (while overthinking about recent events) after depressed-impulse deleting myself off the internet (again) on Oct 3rd.
Anyone who knew me pre-latest collapse, will notice I went with the same design, but I played around with some CSS coding (great distraction from da feelz). Most notably, I love how my blockquotes are displayed now. That was fun to play with! Other than that, it was hours of painstakingly restoring media files and fixing broken links manually.
After all that revisiting and fixing my content, there is one thing I learned: I do love doing this and I love the community (and backing up your website regularly is important). Thank you so much to anyone who has stuck with me and supported me! My numerical stats might be reset, but I’ll forever treasure the restored comments.
Please note: All the views in this count are from me restoring my old content, apparently. 😅
Total Views: 320 (-11,697)
Total Likes: 0 (-2851)
WordPress Followers: 0 (-237)
New Things Written Here
New Things Written Elsewhere
XIII Great Posts From Other Bloggers
Please note: I normally like to do a little blurb for each post I promote, but my mind isn’t 100% enough to comment on stuff at the moment (it’s taking a ton of my energy to even do this post right now, to be honest, but it’s the 13th and I wanna). I’ll let these awesome posts from cool bloggers speak for themselves!
II) Video Games to Play Based on Your Zodiac Sign by A Geek Girl’s Guide
III) Visiting Nintendo World, New York City by Around the Bonfire
IV) Ruining Your Favourite Pokemon (Wave 2) by Frostilyte
V) Eyes on Duet by Aether
VI) Post Surgery Painting Renaissance by Battles in Middle Earth
VII) The State of the Gamer: 10/10/19 by The Shameful Narcissist
VIII) It’s the Freakin’ Weekend! So What Are You Playing? by Cheap Boss Attack (Woot! He’s back!)
IX) In a Dark, Dark Wood – Book Review by Cupcakes and Machetes
X) Calling all point-and-click fans! by Later Levels
XI) Inktober 2019: Week 1 Roundup by Ignited Moth
XII) The Underrated Ladies Tag! by Defy the Majority
XIII) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link – Yep, It’s Too Difficult by Professional Moron
Games Completed in 2019: 9 (+0)
Games Newly Finished
Nothing. Mass Effect 2 Platinum Trophy Quest is currently on hold due to GreedFall related reasons.
Games Actively Played
I think I’m close to the end of the game. I won’t spoil anything, but let’s just say I got a trophy for uniting all the factions for, um, plot twisting reasons. That screams final battle incoming to me! I’m definitely not going for the Platinum Trophy in this game so that will be that after the credits roll. Thank you for being a wonderful distraction from life issues, GreedFall. I’m excited to see how you end…
Moar Amiibo! – Pokemon Trainer, Snake, Squirtle, Ivysaur
One of these things is not like the others…. “I choose you, Snake… SNAAAAKE??”. That was my last lame joke on Twitter before I deleted my old account, by the way. I love Amiibo.
Books Read in 2019: 12 (+2)
A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin – I think I read a page of this since the last fiscal update. Just not in the reading mood lately, I guess.
Movies Watched in 2019: 3 (+0)
TV Shows Watched in 2019: 1 (+0)
Nothing. But I’m in the process of watching Final Space Season 2 with one of my BFFs. I’m also slowly working my way through Disenchantment Season 2 on Netflix.
Life & Other Things
Let me start with more memes relating to what happened to me lately. Memes make everything better!
Ha! Anyway, hindsight is indeed 20/20. If anyone reading this remembers my last fiscal month update post, I was sad about potentially losing someone I considered a close BFF. To recap, this was someone I loved like a sibling, could tell them anything, I enjoyed hearing about their life, and I talked with them almost daily for the past few years. I can’t express how worried about them I was and, well, honestly still am. For reasons I’m still not 100% sure of, they had closed the door on me and were pretending I didn’t exist. This was hurting me on a level I can’t really describe, triggering me to do anything I could think of to help them/make things right.
Whelp, I successfully made things with them a billion times worse. Now the bridge is officially nuked, complete with an online LightningEllen self-destruction, new social media accounts, and blocks around ground zero communication areas to prevent myself from doing more damage if I see them. Go me…
Back to the hindsight thing, present me knows exactly what happened, and just how epically I failed my former (ouch) friend. Guilt and worry were consuming me and fueling my behaviours. I can see now the one thing they needed from me was space, and I couldn’t for the life of me give them that. My fear of abandonment issues were triggered to the max. I couldn’t get my feelings back under control until the damage was done.
This is one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn: when someone asks you for space, give it to them, even if you’re hella worried about them.
Maybe if they had been a little more honest with me about how they were feeling in the weeks prior, I would have been able to give them that space more easily. Maybe even backed off a bit with my relentless support offers had I known I was actually upsetting them? At the end of the day, as much as I blame myself for all of this, it takes two people to destroy a friendship. We are both awesome people, but we had incompatible mental health issues. In other words, we kept triggering each other until we both caused this catastrophic ending to the best friendship I ever had.
This all sucks. I will no doubt be suffering with this BFF loss and the emotional wounds for a long time. My friends truly mean the world to me. Alas. I won’t destroy myself over this anymore, though. I will grow and be better, even if it kills me.
And to that old friend if they happen to be reading this (unlikely), I’m never going to stop loving you like family. If you ever need anything at all, or want to work this out sometime in the future once things cool down, please feel free to contact me anytime (I know I’ve blocked you in our usual chat places, but the Contact Me page is open on my website, plus you know my email and phone number).
In the meantime, and forever if need be, I’ll give you the space you wanted and not exist to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what was happening while it was happening. A donation has been made to a charity in your name, in honor of how much your friendship meant to me. Take care and all the best, eh. I wish I was able to help you, but I can do nothing but force myself to let go.
There you have it! My monthly progress post thingy. What’s anyone reading this up to these days? Comments section is down below if you want to share your thoughts on things!
⚡Thanks for reading!⚡
If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!