Things on the XIIIth: October 2019

Welcome to my monthly progress post that happens on the 13th, which marks the start of a new fiscal month here on Livid Lightning. Get it? XIII is my favourite number… because I like Final Fantasy XIII a lot? Jeez… tough crowd.

And a new chapter of my blogging life begins! Wait…

What?? Nothing happened, I swear. My domain has always ended in .blog… and I so didn’t delete my old WordPress and social media accounts… honest. Sigh. I did. I’ll vent about what happened in more detail in my Life Things section below, but this meme just about sums up what caused my latest self-destruct sequence.

Fear of Abandonment Meme

I pressed the left button on a very close friend who seemed done with me, backpedaled like a sledgehammer to the right button, pressed the left button again in defeat, and now I don’t know what the meaning of life is anymore. Ahem.

Including intense soul-crushing personal relationship pain, here’s how Fiscal Month October 2019 went! Why?? *sobs uncontrollably* …sniffs. I’m good. It’ll all be alright. Oh, and Happy Canadian Thanksgiving weekend! I’m visiting my family and eating turkey. Great coping mechanisms. Gobble, gobble, eh…


Blogging Things

I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. I will not delete my blog again. Got that, future me? One more time for good measure: I will not delete my blog again. Jeez. DO NOT let emotions overwhelm you and trigger self-destructive behaviours, dammit! I’m running out of domain names over here, eh.

Now that’s out of the way, I’ve spent a good 12+ hours this weekend restoring my website under this new domain (while overthinking about recent events) after depressed-impulse deleting myself off the internet (again) on Oct 3rd.

Anyone who knew me pre-latest collapse, will notice I went with the same design, but I played around with some CSS coding (great distraction from da feelz). Most notably, I love how my blockquotes are displayed now. That was fun to play with! Other than that, it was hours of painstakingly restoring media files and fixing broken links manually.

After all that revisiting and fixing my content, there is one thing I learned: I do love doing this and I love the community (and backing up your website regularly is important). Thank you so much to anyone who has stuck with me and supported me! My numerical stats might be reset, but I’ll forever treasure the restored comments.

Please note: All the views in this count are from me restoring my old content, apparently. 😅

Blog Stats
Total Views: 320 (-11,697)
Total Likes: 0 (-2851)
WordPress Followers: 0 (-237)

New Things Written Here

New Things Written Elsewhere

Nothing that’s published yet, but I finished my contribution to Normal Happenings’ Character’s That Define Us collaboration. Yay! I’m also still on board for the Well-Red Mage‘s Mario collaboration.

XIII Great Posts From Other Bloggers

Please note: I normally like to do a little blurb for each post I promote, but my mind isn’t 100% enough to comment on stuff at the moment (it’s taking a ton of my energy to even do this post right now, to be honest, but it’s the 13th and I wanna). I’ll let these awesome posts from cool bloggers speak for themselves!

I) Let’s Respect Each Other’s Tastes (Or: “This Games Isn’t For You, and That’s Okay”) by MoeGamer

II) Video Games to Play Based on Your Zodiac Sign by A Geek Girl’s Guide

III) Visiting Nintendo World, New York City by Around the Bonfire

IV) Ruining Your Favourite Pokemon (Wave 2) by Frostilyte

V) Eyes on Duet by Aether

VI) Post Surgery Painting Renaissance by Battles in Middle Earth

VII) The State of the Gamer: 10/10/19 by The Shameful Narcissist

VIII) It’s the Freakin’ Weekend! So What Are You Playing? by Cheap Boss Attack (Woot! He’s back!)

IX) In a Dark, Dark Wood – Book Review by Cupcakes and Machetes

X) Calling all point-and-click fans! by Later Levels

XI) Inktober 2019: Week 1 Roundup by Ignited Moth

XII) The Underrated Ladies Tag! by Defy the Majority

XIII) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link – Yep, It’s Too Difficult by Professional Moron


Gaming Things

Games Completed in 2019: 9 (+0)

Games Newly Finished

Nothing. Mass Effect 2 Platinum Trophy Quest is currently on hold due to GreedFall related reasons.

Games Actively Played

GreedFall

GreedFall Things on the XIIIth
Talk to the hand, En on mil Frichtimen!

I think I’m close to the end of the game. I won’t spoil anything, but let’s just say I got a trophy for uniting all the factions for, um, plot twisting reasons. That screams final battle incoming to me! I’m definitely not going for the Platinum Trophy in this game so that will be that after the credits roll. Thank you for being a wonderful distraction from life issues, GreedFall. I’m excited to see how you end…


Collecting Things

Moar Amiibo! – Pokemon Trainer, Snake, Squirtle, Ivysaur

Amiibo

One of these things is not like the others…. “I choose you, Snake… SNAAAAKE??”. That was my last lame joke on Twitter before I deleted my old account, by the way. I love Amiibo.


Reading Things

Books Read in 2019: 12 (+2)

Newly Read

Nothing.

Now Reading

A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin – I think I read a page of this since the last fiscal update. Just not in the reading mood lately, I guess.

A Dance With Dragons


Watching Things

Movies Watched in 2019: 3 (+0)

Newly Watched

Nothin’

TV Shows Watched in 2019: 1 (+0)

Newly Watched

Nothing. But I’m in the process of watching Final Space Season 2 with one of my BFFs. I’m also slowly working my way through Disenchantment Season 2 on Netflix.


Life & Other Things

Let me start with more memes relating to what happened to me lately. Memes make everything better!

Fear of Abandonment Meme 2Fear of Abandonment Meme 3

Ha! Anyway, hindsight is indeed 20/20. If anyone reading this remembers my last fiscal month update post, I was sad about potentially losing someone I considered a close BFF. To recap, this was someone I loved like a sibling, could tell them anything, I enjoyed hearing about their life, and I talked with them almost daily for the past few years. I can’t express how worried about them I was and, well, honestly still am. For reasons I’m still not 100% sure of, they had closed the door on me and were pretending I didn’t exist. This was hurting me on a level I can’t really describe, triggering me to do anything I could think of to help them/make things right.

Whelp, I successfully made things with them a billion times worse. Now the bridge is officially nuked, complete with an online LightningEllen self-destruction, new social media accounts, and blocks around ground zero communication areas to prevent myself from doing more damage if I see them. Go me…

Back to the hindsight thing, present me knows exactly what happened, and just how epically I failed my former (ouch) friend. Guilt and worry were consuming me and fueling my behaviours. I can see now the one thing they needed from me was space, and I couldn’t for the life of me give them that. My fear of abandonment issues were triggered to the max. I couldn’t get my feelings back under control until the damage was done.

This is one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn: when someone asks you for space, give it to them, even if you’re hella worried about them.

Maybe if they had been a little more honest with me about how they were feeling in the weeks prior, I would have been able to give them that space more easily. Maybe even backed off a bit with my relentless support offers had I known I was actually upsetting them? At the end of the day, as much as I blame myself for all of this, it takes two people to destroy a friendship. We are both awesome people, but we had incompatible mental health issues. In other words, we kept triggering each other until we both caused this catastrophic ending to the best friendship I ever had.

This all sucks. I will no doubt be suffering with this BFF loss and the emotional wounds for a long time. My friends truly mean the world to me. Alas. I won’t destroy myself over this anymore, though. I will grow and be better, even if it kills me.

And to that old friend if they happen to be reading this (unlikely), I’m never going to stop loving you like family. If you ever need anything at all, or want to work this out sometime in the future once things cool down, please feel free to contact me anytime (I know I’ve blocked you in our usual chat places, but the Contact Me page is open on my website, plus you know my email and phone number).

In the meantime, and forever if need be, I’ll give you the space you wanted and not exist to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what was happening while it was happening. A donation has been made to a charity in your name, in honor of how much your friendship meant to me. Take care and all the best, eh. I wish I was able to help you, but I can do nothing but force myself to let go.


There you have it! My monthly progress post thingy. What’s anyone reading this up to these days? Comments section is down below if you want to share your thoughts on things!

Thanks for reading!

If for some odd reason you want to read more of my posts, you can find a somewhat organized (and usually up to date) archive of my ramblings… I mean, articles here!


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Published by

"Lightning" Ellen

My name is Ellen, and I've been babbling on the interwebz about video games for over 15 years. Video games themselves have been a large part of my life since 5-year-old me first encountered a SNES in a children's hospital. Fun times... Video game escapism is still the #1 coping mechanism for adult me these days.

37 thoughts on “Things on the XIIIth: October 2019”

  1. An interesting read. It’s a little humbling to see someone be so upfront about personal business online like this. As someone trying to get into blogging myself I’ll try to take your experiences to heart.

    On another note. I’ve also been slowly trudging through Greedfall. I’ve restarted 3 times already because something comes up and I think I could do it better. It’s been on hold for a few days though, as I’ve started playing Tales of Vesperia again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s kinda funny because I’m a pretty private person IRL, but love opening up online for some reason, haha. Writing from the heart is the best way to go, I think. Thanks for reading!

      Good luck with GreedFall when you get back to it. I haven’t played Tales of Vesperia yet, but it looks quite fun.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back, and glad you’re feeling a bit better about things. Sometimes you need to do something drastic to make you realise something important… I’m glad you were able to recover things after that happened, too, because regretting a “nuke” session can just make things worse!

    I relate to the whole fear of abandonment thing. A few years back, I had a couple of friends (in Canada, oddly enough) who were much like you describe with your friend: they were incredibly close, people I confided in, all that sort of thing. And yet they just… stopped talking to me. I don’t really know why, and at this point I feel far too terrified to try and reach out and figure things out, so I guess that’s that. Ah well. One might say that supposed friends willing to cut off all contact without so much as a word weren’t really friends at all, but it’s still a bummer.

    New design looks nice! I couldn’t find a Like button for the post, though; was that deliberate? If not, check that CSS to make sure you’re not hiding it 🙂

    (It’s also possible that it’s my work computer just not displaying it; for some reason everything on WordPress works fine here apart from the Follow button, which resolutely does not appear either on people’s sites or in the Reader.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the understanding and support! This was definitely the drastic action I had to take in order to push myself forward. The road will be hard, but I’m gonna move on from this.

      I am sorry you have faced a similar situation. It hurts when close friends go silent. Ultimately, everyone has their own issues and you can’t really fully understand why someone decides to cut you out. It might not even really have anything to do with you at all. It sucks but friends come and go. The true ones will always be there for you!

      Thanks! I’ll have to look into the coding a bit more then, haha. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Welcome back! I’m sorry your friendship exploded but also, good for you for trying to make something positive out of it (growing). You’re absolutely right though, it takes two to destroy a friendship. I did it years ago with a friend but in that case, it was a good thing. It really made me realize what a shitty person they were and I just wasn’t seeing it before. (Plus, this person tried to get between Ignited Moth and I and you just do not do that.)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Welcome back! I’m sorry that your friendship didn’t last and imploded on itself, but good on you for making the best of it. It’s good to grow.

    I relate to the abandonment topic. I’m actually afraid of ending up alone, I’m so terrified of it. It’s a really scary thought.

    Anyways, I really like the new design. Something fresh and new is always good. Hope things get better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dude! Hopefully this will be the last self-deletion off the interwebz, haha. I gotta learn to focus on why I enjoy blogging 🙂

      Abandonment issues suck. It is terrifying and I’m sorry to hear you struggle with that as well. I always feel a lot less alone in this cool online community, at least!

      Hope things are going good for you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just don’t know why I’m so afraid of it but I am. Maybe too scared of it lol, my parents are already asking me if I have met anyone and IDK what to tell them except just a shrug. Parents are very old school, mentality and value wise I guess. Anyways, yeah I don’t feel alone here in this great community!

        Everything is well, my dudette! Been taking a lil bit of a break from writing as usual. Maybe too much of a break lol, been getting way behind in my writing while sitting around waiting for Call of Duty and playing some of the leftover games that I still have in my backlog before I completely ignore them lol.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s a scary thing! Humans are designed to be in groups for survival, so that’s likely the root cause of why we are afraid of being alone. Woo! Psychology is fun. My parents don’t ask if I’m seeing anyone, but I can tell that want too, haha.

          Glad things are going well! Taking breaks when needed is always a good thing.

          Like

  5. Welcome back!! 🙂 I’m really glad you’re sticking around. ❤ I love your posts, openness, and your insight on things.
    And thank you so much for the shoutout for my first Inktober post for this year! ❤ I really appreciate it. ^_^

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for the link and I’m glad to see you back around the same time as me. It sounds like we’ve both had a rough time as of late but I have a feeling that we can both pull through and come out the other side in a better place. Getting some more cool new Amiibo doesn’t hurt either! Now if only other Metal Gear characters got Amiibo! Psycho Mantis? Otacon? Campbell? Sign me up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Missed you, glad you’re back, and sorry things went so horribly 😦
    I’m re-plotting my novel for the 4th time, and I think it’s actually going well this time! Not well enough for Nanowrimo though, probably!
    I enjoyed the first season of Disenchantment, and certain parts of the second. I think I liked the first better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for the link to my post! 🙂 I hope things continue to get better for you. It’s hard when friendships you think are going to last forever just… don’t. I had a friend a few years back and we were so close… talked all the time, shared our lives, even got tattoos together (it was my idea and she wanted to go along with it and I was all for it!). Then I moved and slowly over the following year, she just stopped talking to me. I would call her and text her and she just wouldn’t respond and I had no idea what the hell I did! Eventually I said fuck it, I don’t waste time on people who won’t waste time on me!

    Anyway! Enough of me rambling about me, lol! Even if I am just one of your internet friends, I’m here for ya! Just be kind to yourself and remember that you will get through this!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No problem! Thank you for continuing to follow me. I know I’ve been an erratic mess lately. Ugh! Feelz.

      Thanks for sharing your story! Sorry you lost touch with your friend. I have a tattoo that reminds me of the friend I lost as well. I’ll use it a reminder of the good times we had and going to move on 🙂

      Yay! Internet friends are just as awesome as real ones. Honored to consider you one 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s all good!! 🙂 You just keep concentrating on you, and I think things will continue to look up! 🙂

        Ah, that’s how I feel about my tattoo as well. I don’t regret it at all, and since it was my idea first anyway, I can always say she copied me 😉

        Aww yes, internet friends are awesome and I’m glad we’re friends too!! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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